"Don't do this to me! You can't leave me now! What'll I do without you?"
All these things keep running through my mind as I sit on the floor by the stretcher they put you on at the back of the shuttle. I reach out to stroke the blond hair. How many times did I do that in the night, reassuring myself that you were still there, that you hadn't left me like so many others? Now I do it for the last time. Even Cassiopeia's finally been persuaded that she needs to help the others, the ones they have a chance of saving. Cassiopeia, the one who used to say she loved you. Love... She doesn't know the meaning of the word! Love isn't just a pretty face or good sex, although neither was ever a problem where you were concerned. Love is sitting with me, holding me while I cry over my mother, over Zac... over Serina. I wonder if she ever realized how much she did to bring us together. When I thought you were... gone that first time, she really forced my hand, blackmailing me into speeding up our wedding date. Maybe she did know that I would have backed out, given half a chance. Oh, she was intelligent, and spirited, and beautiful... she was one of the most beautiful women I ever saw, but you beat her by a mile, Starbuck.
Don't die on me, Star! What'll I do with no one to talk to, to really talk to? I can't let myself go around the others, not like I could with you. With the others, I have to be "Captain Apollo," even with Boomer. With you, I was just Pol. You never let me get away with being "The Captain" with you.
You shift on the stretcher uncomfortably. At least they did give you something for the pain, but only when I insisted. They would have let you spend your last centons suffering, Star. I couldn't allow that. I pulled rank. Yes, I know how you would have laughed at that. For all the times you accused me of pulling rank, you know I never did it, not really. But I did this time, Star. You should have seen the look on Cassiopeia's face too. You'd have enjoyed it. I didn't though. Seeing you in pain hurt too much for me to enjoy much of anything.
I know they must wonder at seeing me sitting on the floor beside you, holding your hand, but I don't care. I have to be here beside you, just as you've always been for me.
I remember the first time you sat with me, not talking, just being together. It was just after the Destruction and I'd just realized that my mother and brother were dead. When I could finally get away for a few centons, I just disappeared, wanting to be alone with my grief. Somehow you knew where to find me. You came in and just sat on the floor with me. You didn't say a word; you didn't need to. I could see in your eyes that you were there for me, that if I wanted to talk, you'd listen. You put your hand on my shoulder and squeezed, your eyes filled with the grief I was feeling. And suddenly I wasn't alone anymore. All the tears that I'd been holding in came out, but as the grief calmed a little, I had somebody to share it with now so I wasn't alone. You don't know how much better that made me feel, Star. You didn't ask me to be anything other than a grieving son and brother. No Strike Captain, no warrior, just Apollo. I ranted something about how it was my fault that Zac died, that I should have been the one who stayed behind while he warned the Galactica. You just listened...and let me know that you were glad I was still around. I never would have made it through that without you, Star.
And then when Serina died, you were there for me again. I'd been through so much. Thinking you were dead, marrying her, finding Kobol - it was just too much for me at once. When I saw you down on that planet, alive, I couldn't believe it. I'd never felt... anything... like that for another man before. I thought at first it was just that I was glad to see my best friend alive, but it was more. You came to me the next night, drafted my sister to look after Boxey, and just let me get everything off my chest... including my reaction to seeing you again. Then you kissed me. Out of the blue, no preamble, you just kissed me.
I'll never forget that night, or that kiss, for the rest of my life. To say that it was the best night of my life would be so trite, but it's true.
Forgive the tears, Star. I know you hate to see me cry, but I can't help it. You're leaving me!
There. Is that better? This is a smile, believe it or not. Just for you, Star. It's the hardest thing I've had to do yet.
Where was I? Oh, yes, that's right. The night after Serina died. The kiss. Maybe that should be The Kiss. It was important enough to me. Should be capitalized. I'm sure you'd appreciate that. You never were exactly modest. I may love you, but I'm realistic about you, Starbuck. You have an ego the size of all Caprica. Well-deserved, I must admit. You're the best at what you do, whether it's flying a viper, being a friend, or being a lover.
You made love to me that night for the first time. While you were kissing me, you started undressing me. Just the shirt at first. You ran your hands up under my shirt, caressing my back, then moving to the front to tease my nipples. It felt exquisite. You knew exactly where to touch me. You stripped both of us. I wasn't any help to you, I'm afraid. I was still too shaken up to do much of anything.
You got me so aroused I thought I'd burst. Then, when you stretched out on your back, drew your knees up to your chest and guided me into you, I thought I'd gone to paradise for sure. The physical sensations aside, just knowing that you trusted me enough to let me inside your body like that, it was beyond anything I've ever felt. I almost came just from the joy I felt at that moment. I think that was probably the most generous, unselfish thing you'd ever done, Star. How did you know what I needed that night?
You always seemed to know. Oh, we had our share of fights, I know, but it always seemed that you could sense when I particularly needed something.
I'm getting maudlin, aren't I? Another thing you'd never tolerate.
You shift again on the stretcher and open your eyes a little this time. So much pain in those beautiful blue eyes!
"How do you feel?" I start to ask, then realize how foolish the question is.
The fog of pain covering your eyes clears for just a moment. It's replaced by love. My heart stops for a moment, just remembering all the times I've felt so loved. There haven't been too many. Mainly with you, Star. Even with Serina I seldom felt that she really loved *me* that way; more like she wanted a solid, stable father for Boxey.
You open your mouth a little and mutter something softly. What was it, Star? What are you trying to tell me? You raise your hand and I grab it tightly, wanting to make sure you know I'm here for you.
"I love you, 'Pol," you say again. "I'm sorry." As you speak that last word, your eyes lose their focus and your hand relaxes in my grasp.
Starbuck? Starbuck?? Starbuck!!
What'll I Do by Rainbow Chicken